


The only way I know how to Heal

by Firin



Category: Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Multi, Poetry, Poetry ripped stright from my soul
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22929616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firin/pseuds/Firin
Summary: My 2020 ongoing collection of poetry. Happy,sad,angry wild words organized in only semi-coherent thought. Telling my story in the only messy was I'm able to.
Kudos: 1





	1. The Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Keep in mind this is one of those poems meant to be screamed in packed auditoriums or on the tops of Volcanos or even in the bedroom of someone who can't fathom how else to scream their anger at the world.

Maybe if you were yourself you’d find the right people  
Do you know how fucking hard that is?!  
How dare you stand before me and explain to me to be myself  
In a world where our merit is based on how well we fake it 

Do not tell me  
To be myself  
When at 6 years old i realized it was easier to be who everyone told you you were

Do not tell me  
to be myself  
When i left her behind  
And i don’t think she’s coming back 

Do not tell me to be myself  
When you will judge and ridicule the outcome 

As if you are one to talk 

Do not tell me to raise my voice  
As if my whole life wasn't spent being told to BE QUIET

Do not tell me to speak up  
When I speak softly for fear of judgment 

How dare you, stand before me without knowing my whole life has been spent re-learning how to live 

I was stolen from myself.  
By believing I was never enough.

So do not presume to know me without understanding  
That fear has ruled my life for longer than i can remember 

The constant fear of judgment and ridicule  
From people who’s opinions i could not care less about 

Does that sound off to you?

I have fought more than words can tell you for all that i have regained  
You cannot take anything so hard won  
No matter how indifferently words leave your lips 

I’m done being afraid  
Least of all of you


	2. Remember that when you see the ghost of me in your passenger seat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pt 1 of probably many of "You Know Who You Are."

The Toltecs say that you have forgiven  
When you no longer flinch  
At the sight of your face  
or the sound of your voice

How long will it be before I stop looking for you where we used to sit  
Or skipping every song we sang together in darkening parking lots  
How long must I wait to be free of you?

* * *

I hate you  
You hurt me  
And didn’t give enough of a shit to notice  
I left you  
And you didn’t care enough to ask either of us why

* * *

It gets a little easier to see you  
But the scars never really left either of us I think  
If you got hurt at all that is

You took all the joy from me and gave it to someone else  
Every time I was with you it was so you could gain the attention of someone else  
I cannot fathom the idea that you can love anyone but yourself  
I dodged an entire ocean when I realized you intended to drown me  
Rather than keep me afloat in your arms

Thanks to you I’m slowly learning not to be bitter  
And that anger only warms you until its time to go swimming  
and wash all the misery away

I told you I loved you and hoped that we could be alright like we were before I realized what you’d stolen from me  
I’ll never be so careless with those words again.

I won’t ever thank you for making me stronger  
We don’t praise death for giving us something to inspire us to live

> -Remember that when you see the ghost me in the passenger seat


	3. A word on regrets

I think everyone has some

_small_

_secret notebook_

Filled to bursting with every sense of heaven 

that only they can _feel_......

Because my book is filled with rain on cars roofs and great thunderstorms 

and birds singing on the first day of spring as cool air blows through open windows,

and even just the feeling of Saturday churches with their great stained glass, even if god left me a long time ago 

Because every page in my book is tinged with an empty sort of melancholy that stems from being forgotten 

But I know for certain my moms is full of ocean waves battering the shore, because she knows how it feel to rage slowly like a river carving a canyon 

Yet my brothers is full of the way coyotes howl when planes fly overhead because he aches with a longing far past what was expected of him 

But my little sister is a grand fair ground full of light and laughter because she is the softness of cotton candy melting in the mouth of Someone who hasn't had to grow thick skin 

And I think my father used to be a bit like all of us once, the light the laughter the ache to _be someone_

But somewhere along the way of being beaten into someone he never wanted to be his pages grew tinged with regret that ate away at the book like flames eating away at houses 

And I think...

the greatest way to ruin the heaven of the world around you

is to not take solace in your daughters genius

or to recognize the dreams of your son,

to never kiss the raging sea of your lover 

and to never dance under Circus lights with your little one 

For I would rather wander aimless through the desert with only broken bottles and night breezes to my name that live with the regret of not having lived at all

* * *

|I promised myself to live better than you


End file.
